Non-Jews are for practice
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
