I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I forget how to act sober
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