I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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