my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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