it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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