It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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