Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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