My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
