my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
