I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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