im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
