You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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