Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
