everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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