I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
