Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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