I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
