I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
