So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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