Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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