Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
