do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
