I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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