you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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