nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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