I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
