Plan B is the new Plan A
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
