the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
