Your face is a jimmy john
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
