moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
