I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
