I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think your dad took our porno
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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