mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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