Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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