I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Randomize
