so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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