I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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