White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
