You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
