just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
