I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He shit in the fireplace
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
