So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
