The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
