I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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