Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
