why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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