my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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