Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
