What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
