two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
