He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
