Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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