Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
