I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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