I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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