what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
