Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
