wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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