Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
