you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
