She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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